I'm at the Mater again...sitting at the cafe, waiting for my appointment whilst watching the lift open and close with heavily pregnant women shuffling in and out. People with balloons and flowers visiting, and the yang of witnessing other patients pushing their frames slowly obviously fraught with pain as they struggle to ride a lift.
A familiar excitement warms my heart as I anticipate the birth of my gorgeous little girl at this lovely hospital in only 19 weeks time.
I reminise about 4 years ago when I sat at the same table with my dad, only 1 week after Luca's birth and the breakfast routine we had whilst he was in ICU. It was a bonding experience for us. A wonderful memory marked in time. The early morning car pool to get here in time for the attempts at breast feeding Luca's little premature body - not ready for the onslaught of a boob forced in his mouth. I still have a bittersweet memory of Luca in those first 2 weeks here. The nurses were wonderful, the heartbreak of not having my baby with me all the time horrid and the uncertainty if there was any permanent damage unnerving.
A pinch of dread quickly enters my thoughts at the idea that it could happen again. A new mother's worst nightmare, a sick child. I pray that it won't happen to my little girl. With every kick, a sense of relief and the bathroom stops without the sight of blood an accomplishment.
The days I don't feel a kick or very little is torture. The role of mother starts from conception. You worry for your unborn child's safety, their health and their sense of happiness already. And it will never stop.
These appointments are a blessing - I liken it to receiving a pass mark from a teacher. "Job well done - you're going well this term".
Not doing well is like failing an exam - there is no one else to blame but yourself.
But I'm not trying to think of that.... I'm here with a positive outlook, I know that I have prayed enough for a healthy child. I'm doing everything I can.. Only time will tell... And if it happens again... So be it... I know what I'm in for. But knock on wood that it won't happen. Please god, please.
I'll keep you posted on what happens after this... Stay tuned.
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